


Picture Me Leaving and Not Coming Back

by Chaotic_Cate



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-06-29 08:15:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19826140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaotic_Cate/pseuds/Chaotic_Cate
Summary: Sarah struggles to cope with everyday life after all is said and done. When it all becomes too much for Sarah, her mental health is effected significantly. Sarah must learn to fight for herself, and her family must work together to support her. (Trigger Warning for suicide attempt, and mental illness)





	1. A Fragile State of Mind...

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDE ATTEMPT, AND MENTIONS OF ABUSE IN LATER CHAPTERS

(Disclaimer: I don’t own or have any affiliation with Orphan Black)

The nightmares were the worst part. They’re always different, sometimes in Rachel coming at me with a knife, or sometimes it’s Coady coming at Kira with a needle, and she’s screaming, and I’m screaming but I can’t get to her and I’m telling her to run, but she’s not moving. I wake up in my own bed, in my own house, and even though I know that I should feel safe and comfortable here, I don’t. I feel like I’m doing something wrong for not wanting to stay. The nights where my screams wake up Kira are some of the worst. What sort of example am I setting for my kid? I tell her not to carry what we’ve been through with her through her life, but yet she has to watch her mother carry demons on her back. 

In the past week or so, the dreams have been different. Mostly scenes from my childhood. Real things. I cry when I’m alone. So long ago I thought I had shaken off those demons from when I was a kid. It feels like the world has run out of people to pit against me, so now I’ve been pit against my own mind, my own memories. I’m scared and I’m lonely. I don’t know how to be happy. I can’t be happy… I, I think this is it for me. I stared at my face in the bathroom mirror... or is it even my face? It’s hard to tell sometimes. “I’ve done my job, Beth. I’m coming to you now.” I whisper out loud to my reflection.


	2. I Find War and I find Peace

“Where is she? It’s been a half an hour. She’s left us stranded at an airport at 10 O’clock at night for half an hour.” Cosima stresses to her girlfriend. Delphine sighs “Maybe you should just try calling her again?” The French woman suggests. “I’ve called her four times, I bet she turned the ringer off on her phone again, she does that all the time lately. I just can’t believe she forgot us here.” Cosima huffs. “Okay, how about just get a taxi home, we can pick up the car tomorrow. It’s getting late.” says Delphine. “No, no. Let's get a cab to Sarah’s, we can pick up the car now. I should probably check in and make sure everything is okay, and if everything is okay, I’ll need to let her know I’m mad by not making direct eye contact and speaking in short sentences.” Cosima says. Delphine chuckled. “That sounds exhausting my love, for your sake I hope Sarah has got a good reason.” Delphine said with a sweet smile. It was then, for a reason Cosima didn’t know at the time, the clone woman felt washed over with an uneasy feeling. Cosima pulled out her phone and dialed the Cab company.  
.  
.  
“Thank you so much.” Delphine bid, handing a bundle of cash to the taxi driver. The couple exited the yellow vehicle, snatching their luggage from the trunk before closing it and allowing the driver to leave. The pair now stood on the sidewalk in front of Mrs. S’s home, which, Cosima had to remind herself, now belonged to only Sarah and Kira.  
“Her car is in the driveway, so she's gotta be home. Can you start packing the car, babe? I’ll go in and grab the keys, and ask Sarah why she left us stranded.” says Cosima. “Sure, don’t be too harsh, cherie.” Delphine joked, and picked up her own bag.  
Once at the entrance to the old house, Cosima turned the doorknob, “hmm, locked.” She thought, Before knocking on the door a couple times, and waiting barely a moment before she heard the soft sound of feet running down the stairs to the door. Suddenly Kira’s little face peeked around the curtain to check was at her door, and then the door swings open. “Hey Kira! Where’s your mom at?” Cosima asks, stepping in the door. “Um, I think she’s taking a shower, but I’m scared because she’s been in there for a pretty long time and I heard her crying, and then she wouldn’t answer when I knocked on the door for her. Something feels wrong, Auntie Cosima.” Kira pleads. Cosima stared wide eyed at her young niece for just a beat. “DELPHINE!” Cosima shrieked before barreling up the stairs to the door of the bathroom. Cosima could hear the shower right away “Sarah! Sarah? Open the door, Sarah!” she begged, pounding on the door. Delphine quickly joined Cosima at the top of the stairs. She hastily crouched down in front of Kira, who was quickly forgotten by Cosima, who was understandably overcome with anxiety regarding her sister. Kira was now looking very afraid and helpless, she had tears rolling down her cheeks and her chest rose and fell hastily. The tall french woman placed her hands on the little girl’s shoulders. “Hey, hey. Kira look at me, it’s okay. Shhh.” Delphine comforted.  
Righting herself, Delphine turns to Cosima, who is now pushing on the door frantically with all her might. “Cosima, move.” Delphine pushed. Cosima paces over to Kira, wrapping her arms around her young niece. Delphine is ramming her shoulder into the door over and over again, harder each time. On the fifth surge of power the wooden door cracks away from the hinges. Delphine quickly places the door against the wall and turns to Sarah.  
The first thing she noticed is all the blood. At first it’s hard to tell where it is all coming from. Quickly, it became apparent that it is all spewing from the woman's wrists. “Cosima! Call an ambulance!” Delphine demanded. She hears her girlfriend let out a sob. Sarah sat propped against the wall on the cold tile of her bathroom floor, next to the empty, running, steaming shower. She was unconscious, but breathing. She wore her signature black, ripped skinny jeans and nothing but a black bra covering her upper half. Sarah’s wavy dark hair is hanging long over her shoulders, frizzing and curling profusely due to the hot steam of the bathroom. Her dark hair hung like a curtain, partially obscured her face because of the way she sat slouched over to the side. Delphine’s medical training quickly jumped to action. Glancing around the room, she found exactly what she feared quite fast. A steel razor blade, and an empty pill bottle. Flinging open the medicine cabinet above the steamed up mirror, she found a first aid kit. Luckily, it does contain gauze. Delphine quickly raised up Sarah dead weight arm and began wrapping it thoroughly in gauze. Sarah had cut long and vertical slits up both of her wrists. The blonde woman taped off her wrapping job and moved on to the other arm, repeating the process quickly.  
Cosima released her crying niece and stepped toward the bathroom. “Don’t look Kira, Don’t look, it’ll be okay, I promise.” Cosima says before turning away from the little girl and looking in on her identical sister, who sat unconscious in a pool of her own dark blood. Cosima covered her mouth with her shaking hand as she is racked with another sob. The clone observed that her girlfriend has already wrapped one arm and is now working on the other. “Um, uh,” Cosima stutters. “Delphine the ambulance is on the way. What can I do?” Cosima said, dully. The young woman was clearly in shock. “Stay with Kira.” Delphine says, not even pausing what she is doing or taking her eyes off the task. Cosima abides and joined Kira again in the hallway.  
Delphine finished Sarah’s wrists and leaned over to pick up the pill bottle. Synthroid. Prescribed to Siobhan Sadler. Delphine acting fast, tilts Sarah forward and allows the smaller woman to lean on her. Delphine reaches around to Sarah’s mouth and presses her finger to the back of the girl’s throat, attempting to trigger her gag reflex. Sarah gagged twice against her will, before spilling the contents of her stomach onto the floor. Delphine pushed her fingers down Sarah’s throat again, having to wiggle them around a bit more this time again, but once again inducing vomiting. When Delphine propped her back against the wall as she was, she noticed that Sarah’s eyelids were beginning to flutter. She’s waking up. “Hey Sarah, it’s okay Sarah, you’re going to be okay, I’ve got you.” Delphine assures her before seeing a few tears gather in the pale woman’s eyes, and then trickle down Sarah’s clammy cheeks. Sarah only moaned in response. Sarah’s sad eyes open and meet Delphine’s stressed gaze. Sarah’s eyes fluttered shut again. “Hey! No, Sarah. You have to stay awake, okay? You have to stay awake for Kira, and for you sisters! You don’t get to give up. Not yet, understand?” Delphine chokeed, patting the brunette’s cheek forcefully.  
“Delphine! The medics are here!” Cosima shouts, running down the stairs to open the door. Three medics were out at the curb, two male, one female, pulling a stretcher out of the back on the ambulance.  
Carrying the stretcher on their shoulders, they speed into the house. “She’s upstairs.” Cosima said shakily. “Okay. Who are you?” The tall, dark skinned, male medic in front of the other asks. “Her sister.” Cosima says quickly. The medics gave her a nod and hustled up the stairs. Cosima followed them up. Kira still stood at the top of the stairs, but at the sight of the paramedic’s she backed away to allow them into the narrow hallway. “In here!” Cosima heard Delphine call out. Cosima again joined Kira at the far end of the hallway.  
After barely a minute, the medics, carrying Sarah on a stretcher, emerge from the bathroom, Delphine following behind them, covered in Sarah’s blood. They hurried down the stairs and Cosima, Delphine and Kira follow. “I’m going with her. Delphine, drive over with Kira. Call felix.” Cosima says as she rushed out the front door with her sister.


	3. To End Up Just Where We Begun

Sarah’s POV

I feel cold and exposed. My head is aching so badly, I only wish I could scream. So many people are talking and I’m desperately trying to hear what they’re saying. I’m scared. I try to open my eyes, but it feels like there are weights on them, holding them closed. I can feel something being laid over my cold, bare chest and stomach. I am thankful for this. I feel a sharp pinch on the inside of my elbow, and slowly the ache in my head fades a little bit and the weights on my eyes feel lighter. I finally manage to open my eyes, just a little. I can see my own face. No, not mine. Cosima’s. I see Cosima’s face. She looks more like me than usual, she’s not wearing makeup. That must be why. No, she cried off her makeup. Guilt is pulsing in my chest. I know she is talking to me, but I can’t tell what she’s saying. I squeeze my eyes shut. Guilt. I’m sorry.

I must have fallen asleep again, because the next time I manage to open my eyes, it isn’t a face identical to mine that I see, but the face of a woman I don’t know. She’s holding my hand, focused on my arm. She’s stitching the cut, I realize. I moan in pain. Ouch. The woman stitching my wrists pauses and looks me in the eye. “Hi, Sarah. You’ll be okay, just breathe.” She says to me. I breath. She continues her work on my arm. Turning my head to the other side, I notice that this arm is already stitched. The room is full of people, and I'm the center of attention. 

I feel someone open my mouth, and I hear a mumble among all the noise of this doctor telling me what is happening, and then something tickles my throat, and then it’s not a tickle anymore. ‘Wait! Stop!’ I scream in my head. I start to retch and gag and try to grab at the hands that are doing this to me. “Shh Sarah, stay calm. They’re inserting a tube in your throat to your stomach, don’t fight it. Breath deep through your nose.” The woman from before says to me. She grabs my hand and I grip it back and close my eyes. I hear someone say “Okay, tubes in. We can start pumping.” Shite. They’re pumping my stomach, I realize. I had this done when I was 20 after I drank myself silly. It was no walk in the park, I felt like shit for days afterward. The woman, who has now finished my stitches turns my face towards her. “Just look at me, it’ll be okay.” she says. I’m crying now, the lip tremble and everything, I can’t help it. I want my mum. Then I’m crying harder because I remember that she is gone. Make it stop. Make it stop. A few people, including the woman who did my stitches, roll my body on it’s side. I feel a disgusting, unnatural feeling, deep in my gut. They’re pumping. My eyes are watering and I’m still doing everything possible not to gag. What feel like hours, but I’m smart enough to know was only minutes, later, the woman says to me “Okay it’s all done.” After the doctor removes the tube, the woman by my side lifts my head a little and puts something in my mouth, pouring in water afterward and tells me to swallow, so I do. She turns my head to the side and holds a plastic container under my mouth, so I know what is coming before it hits me. I begin retching into the container, barely anything is coming up other than the black charcoal they made me swallow, but my body is still trying. When I can finally stop, I relax my head onto the table and close my eyes.  
.  
.  
.  
Cosima emerged from the double doors that lead to the room where Sarah resided. Felix and Delphine are both at her side the very moment they see her. She’s looking down and sipping at a small carton of orange juice through a straw. A doctor emerges from behind her at that moment. “Hello, I’m Doctor Haas. Sarah is going to be okay, thanks to the fast thinking of whoever found her, and also to Cosima here. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a twin at hand when they need blood. They’re prepping her to have her stomach pumped now, because of the pills she swallowed.” Doctor Hass assures. The group collectively sigh in relief. Kira walked over now, and cowered into her uncle, Felix held her tightly. “Hear that, monkey? She’s going to be okay.” Felix said to the sad and scared little girl. She nodded. “Now we need to talk about the next steps here. I assume you are Felix?” The Doctor gestures to Felix. “Yeah” Felix responds. “Okay, you're listed as her emergency contact as well as her Next of Kin. We will have a psychiatrist see her of course, but I have to mention, this Hospital has got an excellent mental health inpatient program. I fully recommend it, it’s amazingly successful for most of the patients who come through.” Doctor Haas informed. “Okay, um, thanks, we’ll talk about it.” Felix says sadly. “I also recommend you all go home and get some sleep. It’s been a stressful night. Sarah is in very good hands.” and with that, Doctor Haas retreated back into the emergency room.

“You all should go home. I’m going to stay here, in case there’s more news.” said Felix, sitting back down in the seating area. Kira followed him. “Hey monkey, why don’t you go spend the night with auntie Cosima and auntie Delphine. You can come back tomorrow and see your mum then, okay?” Felix suggests. Kira nods, yawning. Cosima steps over to Felix, he stood up and they embrace for a few moments. “Felix, I can stay too.” Cosima chimed in. “No Cos, this crazy night has already been too much for your health, go home, watch Kira. She’ll need you there.” said Felix. “She’ll need you both there.” he added, looking to Delphine who stood next to Cosima. This gave Delphine a small smile, happy to be able to be something to Kira. Cosima gave a small nod. “Okay... I’ll be back tomorrow. Call me if you need anything...or if anything changes.” Cosima says. Kira takes Cosima’s hand and the two women and little girl leave.

Every time somebody walked through the waiting room Felix hoped that they are going to take him to his sister, but each time they pass him by. It’s almost 1 AM. It couldn’t possibly take much longer. Eventually, a nurse walked into the waiting room, where felix sat, running his hand through his hair with stress. “I can take you to Sarah now.” she simply says. Felix hopped up immediately and followed her through various hallways until they reached the room. The nurse opened the door and lead Felix into his sister’s room. Sarah lied, tucked in a hospital bed in the middle of the small room. “She’s sedated right now. She will sleep through the night and probably most of the morning. Are you staying the night?” the nurse asked. “Yeah.” Felix simply replied, not taking his eyes off Sarah. She looked so vulnerable. And so small in that johnny shirt they had her wearing. She had an IV in her hand, her hair is tangled, and her pale skin is even more pale than usual. Where she normally would have smudged black makeup surrounding her eyes, there is none. Just her natural dark circles from built up exhaustion. The next thing Felix notices is the white bandages covering her stitches, taking up about 6 inches of her forearms. “I’ll get you a cot.” The nurse says before turning around and walking out the door. Felix sat down on the edge of Sarah's bed, reaching up and holding her limp hand. “Sarah, what did you do?” Felix questioned, not expecting an answer.


	4. It's just a spark

Sarah’s POV  
Tonights dream was different than any of the other recent dreams. Kira and I were at Niagara Falls. Kira was older, maybe 12 or 13. It was just the two of us at first, we laughed together and walked together until we met up with the rest of our family. Before I could see the rest, I was waking up. It was just a spark, but I think it’s enough to keep me going.  
.  
.   
.  
Felix woke up in Sarah’s hospital bed next to her. The previous night all came flooding back. Delphine’s call. The feeling of panic as he dismissed the client in his bed and quickly dressed himself before rushing out the door and to the hospital. He arrived just as the medics were rolling her into the building. He caught just a glimpse of her before she disappeared into the hands of doctors. Felix really thought that he wouldn’t have to fear for his sister’s, any of his sisters, lives. Apparently he was wrong. Felix sat up and took in the room. There was a cot set up next to Sarah’s bed. The nurse must have brought it in after he had fallen asleep last night. Sarah hadn’t moved at all since he had first seen her in this bed. Deciding that she was still sound asleep, Felix pulled his phone out of his pocket. 10 AM already. There was also a text from Cosima. It read “Alison knows, I told her you’d call her when you got the chance.” Felix sighed. Sarah began to stir and Felix took her hand in his. “Hey, Sarah.” he said, with tears springing to his eyes once again. To that, her eyes fluttered opened and she cracked a small smile. “You alright, fee?” Sarah asked, her voice rough. He nodded. “I am now, yeah. You scared us Sarah.” said Felix, seriously. Sarah looked down. “I know. I’m sorry.” She mumbled. “I’m sorry too, I knew you weren’t okay and I didn't even do anything.That night months and months ago when you almost tried to off yourself, I should've done something then. And now last night, we almost lost you, and I-I feel responsible!” Felix cried. “Hey, no. You're not responsible, you had no reason to think that this were any more than my usual Sarah shite storm, k?” assured Sarah. Felix nodded. The pair stayed silent for a few moments until Sarah broke the silence by changing the subject. “Where’s Kira?” Sarah asks. “She stayed with Cosima last night.” Felix says.

Just then, the door creaked opened and a nurse walked in. “Oh, you’re awake. Good morning.” The woman smiled. Neither Sarah nor Felix recognized this nurse from the previous night but she seemed to be very peppy. “Yeah.” said Sarah. The nurse smiled and turned her attention to Felix. “Somebody is here to speak to you.” she said. Felix furrowed his brow for a moment and then swung his legs over the edge of the bed, stretching as he stood up. “I’ll be right back, darling.” Felix bid to Sarah. He paused at the small mirror on the wall, fixing his shiny black hair before following the nurse from the room.

In the hallway, stood a very professional looking woman. She wore a fitted grey skirt and blazer, coupled with a dark purple blouse. Her wiry black hair pulled tightly into a low puff. As Felix approached her, she extended her hand. “Hi there, I’m Doctor Leon, I am a psychiatrist and I was sent down to speak with you about Ms. Manning. You must be Felix.” she greeted. Felix shakes her hand. “Yeah, I’m Felix. Hi.” he responds. “So we need to talk about your sister’s next steps. This hospital’s inpatient program is very good, of course the wing in which Sarah would be treated will only take up to 24 patients at a time. The spot is being held for her right now. If Sarah consents, there is a bed there waiting for her, but they’ll only wait for confirmation for so long. After a suicide attempt, inpatient programs are the best thing for the family. The program takes about six weeks to complete for most patients. It is definitely something to talk about.” She hands him a card. “That has my number on it call me as soon as you decide.” Doctor Leon offers Felix a smile and bids him farewell. 

Before going back into Sarah’s room, Felix takes this opportunity to call Alison, and by extension, Helena. “Felix!” she picks up. “Hi Alison.” he says. “What is going on? Is Sarah okay? Cosima told me she was going to be okay but-” Alison rambles, with tears in her voice. Felix cuts her off. “Alison, Sarah is okay. She’s awake and talking now. I’m just... “ Felix begins to choke up. “I’m just trying to figure out what to do.” he finishes. “I’m on my way, Felix. Helena and I. She been in a frenzy since I told her this morning. She refused to eat!” Alison sobs. “No, no. Don’t come, not yet. She’s not ready for visitors quite yet, love. Tell Helena that she is just fine. I will let you know the moment she’s ready. ” said Felix. “Okay. Tell Sarah we love her.” Alison says reluctantly, now fully crying. “I will darling, I will.” 

Felix shoves his phone back in his pocket and heads back into Sarah’s room. Before he can reach the door handle, his phone rings. Delphine. Felix picked up. “Hello?” he says. “Bonjour, Felix. How is Sarah? Is she up yet?" Delphine asked. "Yeah, she's up. Is Kira doing okay?" Felix asked. Delphine paused. "She didn't sleep much, neither did Cosima or I. But that's not why I called. I know a psychiatrist who can help Sarah.” the french woman says quickly. “Delphine, I-” Felix begins, but is quickly cut off. “No, listen. She worked at DYAD for a long time, certain scientists began including her in project Leda. Of course, she didn’t know what she was working on. Eventually she started digging and found out. She left DYAD and started working behind the scenes for me. She is a qualified psychiatrist, and aware of Leda. Sarah can open up to somebody unbiased about everything she’s been through.” Delphine explained confidently. “Okay, call her.” Felix said, hanging up the phone. Felix rolled his eyes and smirked at Delphine eagerness.

When Felix came back into the room he found Sarah sitting up on the edge of the bed, swinging her bare legs. “What going on?” she questioned. Felix sighed and tilted his head. “If it’s about me I want to know.” Sarah demanded. “They want you to go in the inpatient program here. They say it’s very good, Sarah, and, well… I think you should do it.” said Felix. Sarah looked away from him, down at her bandaged arms. She breathed a long sigh “Okay, I… I’ll do it. I’ll go.” Sarah agreed. Initially, Felix is shocked by her cooperation. “Really? That’s it? You’ll go? No kickin’ and screamin’? Nothing? Sarah you must have gotten brain damage!” Felix joked, his eyes wide. Sarah chuckled a little bit. “No, Fee. I really do want to get better. I don’t want to die, we’ve all worked way too hard to keep us alive for me to kill myself, but last night, I felt so hopeless, and dying was my only way out. I still feel hopeless, and I don’t know how to be happy, not yet, but there is a spark of something, I can feel it. I have to get better for Kira. I want her to have a better childhood than we did, and for that, she can’t lose her mum. So before I change my mind, sign me up for whatever the hell it is you want me to do.” Sarah said quickly, with a few tears running down her cheeks. Felix reached down and wiped her tears away, before wrapping his arms around her. Felix held her there for a few moments while they cried into one another's shoulders, just as they did when they were little kids, on their own. “Thank you.” Felix mumbled.


End file.
